I’ve been trying hard to be less judgmental. It was my New Year’s resolution this year and I’ve done a really good job of sticking with it. Well, maybe just a pretty good job. You see, I’m finding it really hard not to judge people who use the word “drizzunk.” But does that even count? I mean, it’s kind of like being prejudiced against racists, right? It’s allowed.
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Woke up this morning with two mosquito bites on my neck. (No idea how this happened. I slept inside for the record.) They’re perfectly placed to look like a vampire bite, right? At first I was like, “Sweet! I don’t even have to wear jeggings today and I’m so on trend.” Then I was all, “Wait, are people going to think I’m a tarty fang banger now?”
At the Emmy Awards, Mindy Kaling seemed to be saying, “You think this dress is ridiculous? You think my hair is ridiculous? I’ll tell you the only thing that’s ridiculous, how ridiculously awesome I look!” And I’m all, “Yeah! Me too! Kind of. Except for with me it’s more like you think it’s ridiculous that after I come home from the gym I change back into my PJs to work and haven’t straightened my hair all summer and occasionally go to the grocery store without showering beforehand? Yeah, it is. Ridiculously comfortable and time efficient!” Mindy and I are so taking steps forward for women’s self-esteem, right? We should start a campaign. Maybe I’ll call it “Flannel Pants in Public.” Maybe.
My weekend in anti-pick up lines
Here are a few great lines that are pretty much like bug spray for boys when you’re out and about and not in the mood to get groped on the dance floor. They’ve all been clinically tested by moi and proven highly effective.
“Please be careful. You’re starting to touch me.”
“I’m so drunk I’m going to accidentally on purpose forget to floss tonight and not feel guilty about it.”
“Wait, is this Biz Markie? I requested this!”
“FYI, this isn’t hair gel, it’s sweat. Wink!” (Say “wink.” It really adds a certain je ne sais quoi.)
PS-This is the most I’ve used my French minor since graduation. Phew! And here I thought I’d wasted that 100K of education. Now I see it was totally worth it. Sacre bleu!
Ugh. Amazon, will you quit sending me these request to review e-mails? It’s almost daily at this point. I feel like you’re one of those guys who on dates repeatedly asks, “Is this going well? Are you having fun?” It’s like, if I’m not crying yet, then you shouldn’t have to ask. Yes, this is a good first date.
