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Posting inspirational messages with a picture of yourself in a tux! Chris Meloni, I simply cannot get enough of following you on Facebook.

Posting inspirational messages with a picture of yourself in a tux! Chris Meloni, I simply cannot get enough of following you on Facebook.

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Might Need A New Mechanic

Car Service Guy: So, you’ll need to come in again in 10,000 miles. The car will alert you. 

Me: The car will just tell me when I need to change my oil? 

Car Service Guy: Yes, ma’am. Right on the dashboard. 

Me: Wish my tampon had that feature! 

Car Service Guy: …

Me: It was a joke. I don’t wish my tampon had a dashboard. I remember to change it. Most of the time. I’ve never died of toxic shock. Well, I guess that’s obvious. 

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Last week when I was in New York, I saw a man on the subway who was magically standing upright without holding onto anything. He had amazing stubble, was reading a library copy of a Zadie Smith book, and looked like he knew how to camp. I thought to myself, “That could be my soul mate.”

I glanced around and wondered, “Is anyone thinking that about me? Am I someone else’s subway soul mate?” I quickly finger brushed my hair and sat up straighter. 

Then I realized that I was a woman on the subway with three huge bags, each one hitting at least two people every time the subway jerked. I was wearing sweaty work out clothes, wolfing down an egg sandwich in public, and looked like I was in the beginning phases of training my hair not to need shampoo. Probably not someone’s subway soul mate. 

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You guys, breaking news! There’s stuff outside of the five boroughs and it’s super worth it! 
This brings up two questions for me: Who knew? And was anyone going to tell me? Seriously, internet, this is exactly what you’re for and you were hardcore sleeping on the job. Consider this your second warning. Watching a former cool girl from my high school dump a bucket of ice water on her head not realizing it was supposed to be part of a charity campaign was the first. She just poured ice water on her head and smiled. 

You guys, breaking news! There’s stuff outside of the five boroughs and it’s super worth it! 

This brings up two questions for me: Who knew? And was anyone going to tell me? Seriously, internet, this is exactly what you’re for and you were hardcore sleeping on the job. Consider this your second warning. Watching a former cool girl from my high school dump a bucket of ice water on her head not realizing it was supposed to be part of a charity campaign was the first. She just poured ice water on her head and smiled. 

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