February 2012
3 posts
Traditional Sunday Meet Up Convo
Me: Look, you have no proof that a shower could have helped this situation, so save your commentary.
Me: Oh, sorry, about that. Um, I’m well. How are you?
Me: Yeah, work’s good.
Me: What? Yeah, I still have an apartment.
Me: Yeah, with running water.
Me: Ugh! Yes. I remember how to, I just didn’t this morning. I knew you were going to say something, jerkbutt.
Ever decide to save time in the morning by not doing all of your make up and make up for it by promising yourself that you won’t drink any water so you won’t have to go to the bathroom and look at yourself in the mirror?
I mean, what kind of adult would make that decision and then still have time to update her blog?
Not me, obviously.
January 2012
14 posts
Just had to have a pep talk with myself about the fact that I was out of my daytime moisturizer and using my nighttime moisturizer wouldn’t ruin my entire day.
Hey, remember when I lived in Africa for four months? Yeah, me neither.
Friend: You’re not tan at all! Seriously, I can barely tell you were somewhere warm. Ha!
Me: Yeah, I’m not tan. But, follow me into the bathroom. Then you’ll totally be able to tell I was in Guatemala.
Friend:…
Me: The proof is in the pudding, if you know what I mean.
Friend:…
Me: I mean—
Friend: Stop. I know what you mean. You’re gross. You...
A List of Sentence Starters Strangers Think Are OK...
1. Since you have no base tan…
2. If you were a normal height…
3. Because your hair is so thin…
Strangers who don’t read this blog, take note.
Actual Text Conversation That I Can't Screen Shot...
Me: AH! I just spilled turkey chili on my white couch!
Bud: Don’t worry. You can get it out with salt and soda water. Or baking soda.
Me: I don’t have soda water or baking soda.
Me: I just have salt and more turkey chili.
Me: Can I get a stain out with that?
Me: You there?
December 2011
15 posts
Sometimes I get really excited when people tell me they had a “Julie Day.”
There are few seconds that pass where I’m like, I wonder what that means. Did they have a day of really good bangs? A day where they inspired others to be better people just by being themselves? A day when they combined three different discount offers from Gap.com to get a really great value on a sweater...
"I stopped by today to use your bathroom. I almost...
—The kind of note you get when you give me your keys and ask me to check on your place while you’re away.
Finding myself reflecting on some of my favorite holiday memories. Hey, remember the time a kind of distant relative sent me special shampoo for thinning hair? In the card, he let me know that he could tell I was having issues and this had really helped him. I’m not sure how he could tell, we weren’t even Facebook friends and it had to be a mis-sent gift, but still, I wanted to die and...
Creepy guys have the worst trivia
At the First Ave. L Platform
Creepy guy: Hey, you take the train a lot?
Me: Yep.
Creepy guy: Here’s an interesting fact. Right before the train pulls up, you can feel a breeze coming. Something about the wind currents. Interesting fact, right? I read it in an article.
Me: Right. I knew that. Also, right before the train pulls up, you can see a train light coming down the tunnel.
...
Did you spend your morning going around your apartment unearthing dirty dishes that you’d hidden when unexpected visitors came over in the past few weeks? Me neither! Wow. We have so much in common. Yeah, I totally do my dishes right after I use them. All the freaking time!
"I want to give you a cut that lets you just step...
“Wait, so you’re saying that if I let you cut my hair the way you want, I have to walk out the door without getting dressed? Making my lunch? Practicing my karaoke routine to Michael Bolton’s How Can We Be Lovers? My whole morning routine would be totally effed. Just cut my hair the way I asked. You know, one of those put on clothes, try to get a Biore strip to actually work for...
Question: When am I going to stop judging the success of my weekends by how few vegetables I’ve eaten?
The answer: When I’m too old. Seriously. Never let that stop.
This weekend: 2 vegetables…and that’s only if you’re counting pickles. WIN WIN WIN!
IM Convo With New Co-Worker
Him: What are you up to?
Me: Currently, binge eating at my desk.
Me: I’m really good at it.
Me: Like, if this were my job, I’d probably be CEO.
Me: Hello?
Me: You there?
Me: I can see you sitting at your desk, looking at your computer screen, not answering me.
Me: Ok, well, I’m busy too. Obviously.
Finding myself hating the folks who slow down when they walk by the Christmas tree stands, take a deep breath, and smile super wide with holiday cheer. I’m like, people, I’m trying to get to the F train here and this isn’t the opening sequence of a holiday chick flick, you know? And even if it were, then you’d be getting dumped in the next scene. The holiday lovers always...
November 2011
14 posts
Whoa! None of my Thanksgiving week posts went up for some reason, so I guess I get to reuse all of those jokes. Now that’s something to be thankful for.
Get ready for lots of turkey puns, internet friends. All the way through December.
Conversation at the Apple Genius Bar
Me: What? My DVD player is broken? What the heck am I supposed to do now? Make friends?
Genius: …
Me: I’m seriously asking. What are my next steps? Like introduce myself to someone on the subway and be like, “I was going to binge watch all of Friday Night Lights season 2 this weekend, but now I have no plans. So, what are you up to?”
Genius: Well…
Me: I thought...
Likely Conversation at my Next Dentist Appointment
Dentist: Blah, blah, blah, cavities, blah.
Me: Cavities? That can’t be. I brush twice a day and floss every night, just like you told me to.
Dentist: Blah, blah, blah, scolding, blah.
Me: Well, you should have said AFTER I ate my pre-bedtime chocolate fudge brownie frozen yogurt. How was I supposed to know?
"You smell less grassy than I expected."
—Best opening line of a first date ever. Unfortunately I wasn’t actually involved…just a nosey bystander at a street corner. Neither of them acted like this was a joke and the boy seemed flattered. I didn’t get it, but I fully supported it.
Oh hey, next door neighbor. You know how sometimes you come home at 4 am super drunk and stumble around your apartment and I lay in bed using all of my mind power to will you not to brush your teeth, which is always a really noisy event that sounds like it involves walking into your open oven door several times, and instead just go straight to sleep? Well, I think my mind power finally...
Guys, have you ever had to literally wake your cab driver up at a stoplight last night and then still tipped him regularly because you’re constantly afraid that you’re going to leave your phone in a cab and have to rely on the kindness of the driver to get it back, so you need to pay if forward, no matter how undeserved? Yeah, me neither. Ridiculous.
Just saw someone wearing the same Kirkland Signature shirt (that’s right, baby. Clothing from Costco. Who doesn’t want to shop at a place where you can pick up a couple great asexual flannel shirts and then swing by a free sample stand for some turkey chili? Who? No one. That’s what I thought.) I’m wearing. It was awesome. We just nodded at each other and kept going. Like...
"I'm going to leave my bag here while I run to the...
—Me to my new bus friend.
Who needs to worry about theft when you have too much honesty too early in a transportation based relationship?
When someone writes “Happy birthday, stranger,” on your Facebook wall and they really are a stranger, it’s scary weird, right? I’m not just being an internet wimp, right?
The heat is finally on in my building! From experience, I can tell you this means there’s a warm front coming in the next week and I’m going to wake up wet with so much face sweat, that for a moment I’m going to think I peed my pants from my neck. (My first thoughts upon waking aren’t my most lucid.)
October 2011
16 posts
Weekend Phone Call
Friend: So, what are you doing?
Me: You know, eating this left over rice with pita chips instead of a fork because I don’t want to have to wash any silverware and thinking about skipping yoga and watching shows I don’t even like on Hulu. Oh, crap. Didn’t mean to say that. Wait, ask me again.
Friend: Um, ok. What are you doing?
Me: Being young and wild and free and taking...
Homeless guy who call me sir, you’re definitely not getting any of my money. And sir? Really? I put the “lady” in lady blazer. Come on, now.
