December 2010
20 posts
I am Your Crazy Window Yelling Neighbor
Hey. Hey kids, are you having fun in the snow or being assaulted? It’s hard to tell. Oh, fun? Those are fun sounds? Well, that’s good, I guess, but you know at this point the snow is totally covered in dog pee and ash from that guy above me who smokes out his window. I try to be cool about it because I try to be cool in general, but don’t you think it’s dangerous to...
Losing something at the office and being unable to find it all day, then hours later, when you change into your PJs, it falling out of your bra = victory and defeat at the same time
You know how some days you just want a random...
Hint, every guy I see on the subway today, HINT!
I will literally be one of two people in the office today. Here’s my to do list:
1. Obsessively look at my bangs in bathroom mirror without worrying someone is going to walk in and see how vain I am. 2. Play Sister Act Pandora station on full blast. 3. TP everyone’s cube and blame it on the other guy in the office on Monday. 4. Run traffic reports. (This isn’t fun or...
Nothing says “Good Morning!” like sitting across from a homeless guy who pees himself while on a foldable handicapped seat, him getting up so quickly the chair violently smacks closed, and then it suddenly raining homeless man pee droplets on half the subway car.
You can heart New York, but it never, ever hearts you back.
Potentially Flirty Conversations Gone Awry -- Part...
(Walk into my new yoga place and notice the cute guy is at reception checking people in.)
Me: Hi. I’d like to buy a multi-class pass. Him: Great. The best deal is this 10 class pass. It expires in two months, but we’re pretty lenient about deadlines. If you have an unexpected circumstance come up, we can extend it. But if your unexpected circumstance is that you like to eat and...
Since coming back to New York, I’ve felt like a bit of a fake. Can I really consider myself a New Yorker if I left this fine city for two whole years? Then, while I was waiting for the subway the other day, my contact somehow became folded up in my eye. It was so painful, I couldn’t wait until I got home to fix it. I had to take it out, clean it, and put it back in on the six train...
Virtual Embarrassment
What’s the most embarrassing thing your little brother can find on your computer when he’s over looking up directions?
Ok, quit guessing. You’re grossing me out. I’ll just tell you. It’s that your last Google search was for “Settlers of Catan strategy.” Will be at least 40 before I live this down.
“Sorry I can’t come to your board game party...
—My RSVP to a party this weekend. Also, true honesty.
Here’s a piece of advice: When your office has a holiday party and as an ice breaker, everyone is asked to write the worst holiday gift they ever got on a name tag and wear it around, writing “World Peace” will not be as funny to your boss as it is to you.
People who plug their ears when there's an...
You know you're not really a grown up when...
…you go on a date and realize the only thing you can invite him back to your place for is Nutella on a spoon and tap water.
When my best friends started getting married, I thought that an apt display of my love for my buds was the fact that I would still agree to be their bridesmaids even when the dress required a strapless bra. (Strapless bras and I have never gotten along. I’m more on Team Gravity’s side of that battle.) Then, I just got invited to a bridal shower for one of my very best friends and...
IM Convo with my Work Bud
Me: Ah, hot office guy who’s never here is here today! Her: What are you going to do? Me: I should do something? Her: Yeah. Me: Spill water on him and then “accidentally” touch his crotch when I’m frantically drying him off? Her: Obviously, yes.
It’s December, y’all, or perhaps you know this time of year by its more common name, “When you don’t have to paint your toe nails until March.” Let’s celebrate!