January 2011
18 posts
"Good bye! I'll drunk eat you later, ok?"
—When some people leave their apartment, they say good bye to their roommates. Others their pets. When I leave, I say good bye to my leftover half turkey club sandwich.
“Hi Over there, I was very happy to read your profile and would love to get to know you better, your profile caught my eye while i was searching and that was why i decided to say hi… I would like to meet someone down to earth, open-minded, friendly, has a sense of humor, and enjoys having a good time with no care of how older or look. Also someone who knows when to be serious and when...
Does anybody know of a place where I can go to...
Halfalogue with my Favorite Bride to Be
Yep, I got the bridesmaid dress.
It actually is a nice dress, for real. The color looks great on me. Gorgeous pick.
Fit? Well, it’ll be ok, I think.
On a somewhat related note, I know that I wasn’t invited with a plus one, but, and I hope this isn’t rude, I think I need to ask for a plus two because my boobs are for sure coming to your wedding. In a major way.
...
For some reason, I felt a really strong urge to become friends with this woman I stood next to in yoga yesterday. Quickly though, I realized that I have no idea how to pick up a new friend. Here are some of my aborted conversation starters.
How do your bangs look so good? At first, I thought it was ridiculous when you didn’t pin them back, but if my bangs looked that great sweaty,...
My plan to get to work super early was thwarted when I accidentally auto-pilot commuted to my old publishing job that I left in 2008. I was so dazed and confused that for a minute, I felt like I was a time traveler from the future, visiting the world almost three years ago. And like any good time traveler, I wanted to capitalize on the opportunity. I thought about running into my department...
Monologue, performed for my super, yesterday at...
So, you see? No heat or hot water. And that leak over there just won’t stop dripping. Wait, why are you staring…oh, I see. No, it’s not a Martha Washington costume. It’s just dry shampoo I haven’t brushed out yet. I worked out and was pretty gross and then with it being so cold in here and the freezing water, I just can’t make myself shower before work,...
“You want balsamic? Anything for you, gorgeous. ...
—Dressing guy at the expensive salad place, you’re at least 75% less charming than you think you are.
Recent conversation
Dad: Need anything at Costco? Julie: Oh, yeah. Another toddler sized jar of Nutella. Dad: Didn’t we just get you one of those? Me: JUST? Hello, that was four month…no, two weeks ago. Dad: What happened to it? Me: I used it. Dad: How? Me: Oh, like you want my recipe? Ok, so here’s what you do. Take a simple kitchen spoon or ladle and dunk it as deep into the jar as you...
Oh, hey judgey looking chick on the subway with...
