Buy Slept Away :
Buy Hot Mess :
So I was on TLC.com (What? Like you don’t have it bookmarked too?) checking out the upcoming programming and I noticed what has to be the best episode name for a show ever. I don’t normally watch I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant, because it always ends the same (Spoiler alert: The intense stomach pains are from a baby coming out of her vagina!) but I may just have to tune in for this one. I really hope someone actually says, “Is that a baby in your pants or are you just happy to see me?”
I love when I see clearly able bodied individuals using the handicapped automatic door opener. I can almost hear them saying, “Being lazy as crap is too a disability,” over the whir of the door hydraulics.
You get a text on Saturday night from a long distance friend that says, “You should turn on TLC.”
You write back, “For the special on balloon fetishism? ALREADY ON IT!”
You get really happy that you and your friend are so in synch and think about how much you value your friendship. Then you get less happy realizing that she just assumed you were home on a Saturday night, but shake it off quickly with the thought that at least programming of this nature made her think of you.
My ankle has been bothering me since Monday. It’s this weird pain that comes and goes. When it’s around, I can’t really walk. Yesterday it hurt so bad that I decided to not take a three o’clock brownie break because getting to the kitchen sounded too painful. When something gets in the way of brownie eating, that’s serious! So, I’m thinking maybe it’s time to go see a doctor. I don’t really have a regular physician, so I’ve been making some calls. Here’s a rough transcript of the voicemails I’ve been leaving this morning.
“Hi. I’d like to make an appointment with the doctor sometime soon. Like maybe today but I have a facial at five, so we’ll have to work around that. Before I confirm my appointment, I’d like to know if he’s the kind of doctor who will respond to ‘My ankle hurts when I go like this’ with a joke along the lines of ‘Well, then don’t go like that!’ If so, then I’m not interested. And my insurance is really crappy because I’m a freelancer, which leads to a two part question. Does this place take crappy insurance and will you give out a lot of free samples of whatever you prescribe me? Moving on, what’s your candy bowl situation? And finally, do you have the latest issue of In Touch in your lobby? I want to learn more about the Kardashian weight wars, but I draw a line at actually purchasing In Touch. Please get back to me ASAP.”
