I will be on pins and needles all day waiting for this life-changing announcement.  If they get divorced I’ll be so sad that I’m not going to be able to do anything but lie on my couch, watch COPS, and eat some sort of cold asian take out with my hands.

You:  But Julie, isn’t that was you do every Saturday night anyway?
Me:  Yeah, but if you limit that kind of behavior to once a week, it can be referred to as “Some much deserved R&R.”  But if you do that for many days in a row it’s called “Clinical depression.”  And a divorce announcement would mean at least four nights of this.

So Jon and Kate, please stay together for the children…or if not all of them, then at least the cute ones like Leah and Collin…or if not even them, then for me.  Please.  I beg you.