Dear Everyone I Saw This Weekend,

Um, did you even notice anything different about me? No? Well, thanks for nothing. On Friday night I stayed in and watched a YouTube makeup tutorial video where a 16 year old showed me how to use bronzer to contour my face. And then I did it on both Saturday and Sunday. My cheek hollows looked like never-ending abysses and my cheek bones were basically two Mt. Everests. It was like my cheeks hadn’t eaten in weeks! And not even as much as a “Hey, your face looks skinnier, but your ass doesn’t. WTF?” compliment? 

You guys are self-absorbed jerks. Yeah, I’m talking to you too, dry cleaning lady. You could have at least said, “You look nicer than when you came in here last time after a run and I asked if I should call a doctor for you.” 

DO YOU GUYS EVEN REMEMBER OUR ANNIVERSARY OR DO YOU HAVE TO ASK YOUR ASSISTANT?