Quote from the Safety for Women Travelers section of my Mali guidebook: “When attention becomes intrusive, it can help if you are wearing a wedding ring and have photos of ‘your’ husband and children, even if they are someone else’s.  A good reason to give for not being with them is that you have to travel in connetion with your job—biology, zoology, geography, or whatever.  (But not journalism—that’s risky.)”  

First of all, journalism is apparently a slutty profession.  Who knew?  Secondly, for my safety, I obviously have to have a fake husband.  So my question to you is, look at the picture above and ask yourself “Do I want to be fake married to her?”  

Come on guys, don’t rush at me all at once.  Please, make a single file line and read the below rules and stipulations carefully.  

In order to qualify, you must be available for a photoshoot where I’ll be wearing a veil and shoving cake in your face.  Also, a love of French’s mustard would be preferable because it would make our union more believable, but is not mandatory.  

And please note that this picture will not only be restricted to use in Africa.  It may make appearances at upcoming high school reunions and Thanksgiving dinners.  

Thanks in advance for you application.  I’m looking forward to hearing from you.