Julie Kraut

Just witnessed a guy check his mailbox, slam the mini mailbox door shut, crumple up what looked like...

Thu, 24 May 2012 08:29:17 -0400

Just witnessed a guy check his mailbox, slam the mini mailbox door shut, crumple up what looked like a greeting card, and mutter, “Fucking shit, Mom! Fucking shit!” Then he pushed past me to get out of the building and let the front door basically hit me in the face. (I was distracted by my luggage and the fact that today is my first day of the season wearing open toed shoes and my toe nails suck.)

And now I’m done wondering who in building is the proud owner of the wifi network “Fuck You!”

My First E-Mail Of The Day

Wed, 23 May 2012 08:22:22 -0400

Attention all:

This is my first good hair day in approximately three weeks. I’d like to call some sort of company wide meeting to show it off. Does anyone have anything important to discuss?

Let me know at your earliest convenience.

Fondly,
Julie

My favorite rainy day sightings are all of the grown men around the city who are wearing suits and...

Tue, 22 May 2012 08:32:17 -0400

My favorite rainy day sightings are all of the grown men around the city who are wearing suits and are getting soaked because they don’t have umbrellas. They may as well be wearing signs that say, “I don’t have my shit together. Like, at all. And also don’t tell my mom about this.”

You know how trucks have bumper stickers that warn about their wide right turns and other people...

Mon, 21 May 2012 08:25:25 -0400

You know how trucks have bumper stickers that warn about their wide right turns and other people have “Baby on board” notices on their cars. I like that level of communication among drivers. I want to get a placard that reads, “Yo, I’m driving my dad’s car and couldn’t figure out how to adjust the side mirrors, so my blind spot is bigger than what I’m seeing. Just FYI. Also, if I parallel park behind your car, I will hit it.” Do they make those? Or is this a business opportunity in the making?

This dress is going to change my life, right? Like $500 worth of...

Wed, 16 May 2012 08:36:03 -0400

This dress is going to change my life, right? Like $500 worth of life changing, right? That’s about 2 sessions of therapy, and this will totally be as effective as 2 sessions of therapy, right? RIGHT?

(Only fiscally irresponsible people need to respond. MC Hammer?)

I know cashiers think I’m such a baller when I pay for something with a $100 bill. Then when I...

Tue, 15 May 2012 08:20:29 -0400

I know cashiers think I’m such a baller when I pay for something with a $100 bill. Then when I say, “Look, this isn’t drug money or anything. I was visiting my parents last weekend and realized that I left my Channukah money at home in December, so that’s why I have this hundred,” they probably think I’m less of one. And when I add on, “It was next to my twin bed, believe it or not. Staring right at me. My Beanie Babies weren’t covering it or anything. Don’t know how I missed it,” I’m at baller quotient zero. It’s a quick, steep tumble from ballerdom. MC Hammer, you relate to me, right?

Imagined Conversation with Zappos

Thu, 10 May 2012 08:36:02 -0400

Me: Hi, yes. I’d like to make a return.

Me: These pants.

Me: Great. So, I’ll just fill out this return label and we’re done.

Me: Confession: I wore them once, but I kept the tags on. And I’m glad I did because they’re really not quite right.

Me: Oh, also, I tucked the tag into the waistband of my pants and it was really uncomfortable. There was a lot of friction and chafing. Like, so much that I bled all over the inside of these pants. It’s really gross.

Me: So, who should I address this to? Anyone specific in the returns department?

Just a totally normal place holder picture at my local dollar...

Wed, 09 May 2012 08:44:54 -0400

Just a totally normal place holder picture at my local dollar store. Nothing to see here.

I love that hotels put phones in the bathroom. It’s like...

Tue, 08 May 2012 08:34:04 -0400

I love that hotels put phones in the bathroom. It’s like they’re telling you, “We get it. You’re going to do weird crap in here, like call your grandparents while you’re pooping. We support you!” And sometimes I wonder why they stop there? Like why not put a TV in the bathroom? And the mini bar too. Maybe even a little nap area and the internet hook up. Facilitate all kinds of weird stuff, hotels. We’re on vacation from social norms!

And then I realize that by moving all of that stuff into one room, I’m basically describing my studio apartment. My life is one extended vacation from social norms. Whoo hoo and sigh…at the same time.

How just about every conversation I have today is going to...

Mon, 07 May 2012 08:38:47 -0400

How just about every conversation I have today is going to go.

Me: HUGE announcement!

Me: I’m getting into summer scarves.

Me: Get used to it.

Me: Wait, like, am I doing it right? You can be honest.

Me: Don’t walk away from me. There isn’t even a seat on that side of the car, subway stranger. Come back!

I’m in San Francisco on a work trip right now. I’m...

Wed, 02 May 2012 10:49:44 -0400

I’m in San Francisco on a work trip right now. I’m really not going to see the city at all or do anything that cool here (aside from my job…which actually is pretty cool) but the cross country flight was totally worth it already because I discovered The Client List. I mean, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Cybill Sheperd, bad southern accents, plot lines as complex as the Disney Channel’s but about hand jobs? How come no one told me about this show? Doubting every single person who ever called themselves my friend.

Black guy on 11th St.: Hey girl! Don’t you remember me? We met out this weekend. You liked me...

Tue, 01 May 2012 08:18:18 -0400

Black guy on 11th St.: Hey girl! Don’t you remember me? We met out this weekend. You liked me a lot.

Me: No, I ‘m pretty sure I didn’t.

Him: Why? Because you wouldn’t like a black guy? You racist?

Me: No, because I didn’t go out.

Him: Like this whole weekend?

Me: Right.

Him: Come on now.

My weekends have been getting a little wild as of late. Too much...

Mon, 30 Apr 2012 08:27:41 -0400

My weekends have been getting a little wild as of late. Too much fun. Too much drinking. Too many bad decisions. I needed a break and to feel like an adult again. So, I decided to cancel my plans and stay in on Saturday.

Um, that didn’t really help with the bad decision making though. I mean, white jeggings? Reckless as ever.

BORN TO BE WILD!

Hey nyc.gov/parks, French people litter too.

Thu, 26 Apr 2012 08:24:24 -0400

Hey nyc.gov/parks, French people litter too.

I hate when the cleaning person messes stuff up like this. Why...

Wed, 25 Apr 2012 08:41:47 -0400

I hate when the cleaning person messes stuff up like this. Why is my frosting in the condiments shelf? Frosting isn’t a condiment. It’s an entire meal. It should be on the hot fudge and carb free bread shelf. Clearly.

Lie

Tue, 24 Apr 2012 08:38:41 -0400

Friend: Were you just talking to your trailmix?

Me: No.

Got this twice my head sized jar of cashews around the same time...

Mon, 23 Apr 2012 08:20:30 -0400

Got this twice my head sized jar of cashews around the same time I got this dish soap. The cashews are all gone and there’s so much soap left. I’m thinking I need to pump the brakes on my cashew habit or start washing dishes more. Or probably both.

Quality of life, you’re about to take a dip.

Ran out of toothpaste and undereye concealer this morning. Using gum to substitute for both.

Thu, 19 Apr 2012 08:25:51 -0400

File under: Great decisions, Never gonna grow up, Should I stop tumbling and start tweeting, Seriously I’m kidding…mostly

Dear potential identity theives, I’m not as into The Popcorn Factory’s spring catalog as...

Wed, 18 Apr 2012 08:11:00 -0400

Dear potential identity theives,

I’m not as into The Popcorn Factory’s spring catalog as my garbage may lead you to believe. Much more into Edible Arrangements.

Just trying to help a brother from another mother out. (That’s how non-violent criminals talk to each other, right?)

Seriously, why don’t I have my own love advice show? Check...

Mon, 16 Apr 2012 08:27:16 -0400

Seriously, why don’t I have my own love advice show? Check it out. I give amazingly solid relationship tips that have very high success rates.

I lead by example, too. So there could be a lot of great scenes of my most effective dating moves and moments, which would of course all take place via Facebook. Mostly poking, but occasionally tagging myself in other couples’ pictures. It’s a great way to start conversations. Ok, enough giving this stuff away for free!

Interested agents and producers, please poke me to get in touch!