Julie Kraut

There’s an image going around Tumblr that says something...

Tue, 07 Feb 2012 08:01:47 -0500

There’s an image going around Tumblr that says something like “Comparison is the thief of joy.” In general, I can get behind that. But, I’d have to add on an additional, “But sometimes, comparison makes you feel like a total baller!”

I’ve never thought of myself as particularly smooth, but in comparison to last night’s Bachelor kissing tutorial, I’m a total casanovette.

Gentlemen, line forms to the left.

Traditional Sunday Meet Up Convo

Mon, 06 Feb 2012 07:53:34 -0500

Me: Look, you have no proof that a shower could have helped this situation, so save your commentary.

Me: Oh, sorry, about that. Um, I’m well. How are you?

Me: Yeah, work’s good.

Me: What? Yeah, I still have an apartment.

Me: Yeah, with running water.

Me: Ugh! Yes. I remember how to, I just didn’t this morning. I knew you were going to say something, jerkbutt.

Ever decide to save time in the morning by not doing all of your make up and make up for it by...

Thu, 02 Feb 2012 08:18:58 -0500

Ever decide to save time in the morning by not doing all of your make up and make up for it by promising yourself that you won’t drink any water so you won’t have to go to the bathroom and look at yourself in the mirror?

I mean, what kind of adult would make that decision and then still have time to update her blog?

Not me, obviously.

AHHH! The first in what I can only assume will be a seven year...

Tue, 31 Jan 2012 08:05:48 -0500

AHHH!

The first in what I can only assume will be a seven year run of bad luck from breaking my mirror has struck.

I tried a new expensive face cream and it has legit burned off the top layer of my skin. I’m wearing so much foundation and powder to cover up my face and I don’t even really own foundation and powder. I had to use free samples I had lying around. The resulting look is a Jersey Shore burn victim who may or may not be on her way to a school play in which she plays a pumpkin. I’m pretty sure everyone can tell that I would KILL IT as the pumpkin, like bring down the cafetorium, but that’s no comfort right now. Ok, so it’s SOME comfort. But not enough to justify walking around looking like a jack-o-latern.

Don’t cry over spilled full length mirror. Wait,...

Mon, 30 Jan 2012 08:31:07 -0500

Don’t cry over spilled full length mirror. Wait, what’s the expression?

Just had to have a pep talk with myself about the fact that I was out of my daytime moisturizer and...

Fri, 27 Jan 2012 08:16:43 -0500

Just had to have a pep talk with myself about the fact that I was out of my daytime moisturizer and using my nighttime moisturizer wouldn’t ruin my entire day.

Hey, remember when I lived in Africa for four months? Yeah, me neither.

It’s a metaphor, you guys. Getting deep here on...

Wed, 25 Jan 2012 08:00:19 -0500

It’s a metaphor, you guys. Getting deep here on JulieKraut.com. Deep.

Friend: You’re not tan at all! Seriously, I can barely tell you were somewhere warm. Ha! Me:...

Tue, 24 Jan 2012 07:38:04 -0500

Friend: You’re not tan at all! Seriously, I can barely tell you were somewhere warm. Ha!

Me: Yeah, I’m not tan. But, follow me into the bathroom. Then you’ll totally be able to tell I was in Guatemala.

Friend:…

Me: The proof is in the pudding, if you know what I mean.

Friend:…

Me: I mean—

Friend: Stop. I know what you mean. You’re gross. You don’t act like this on dates, do you?

Me: Like, what? Myself?

Friend: Yes.

Me: Typically wait for the second date.

Friend: Explains so much.

Is it just me or are Mondays particularly Monday-y when you know...

Mon, 23 Jan 2012 07:39:12 -0500

Is it just me or are Mondays particularly Monday-y when you know your day doesn’t involve 80 degree weather, never ending conversations with your best friend from 3rd grade (who happened to go to college with you and lives 3 blocks away now), take your breath away sunsets, plantains and ice cream whenever you want (which is, obviously, always), cave swims, hammock naps, crossing international borders by foot, van rides next to five year old girls who can’t stop staring at your weird skin, even when her mother tells her to stop, flip flops, reggae versions of every soft rock song you forgot you loved, and no make up? It’s not just me, right? Monday-y to the max.

This is my last time straightening my bangs for a week. Prepare...

Sat, 14 Jan 2012 05:52:57 -0500

This is my last time straightening my bangs for a week. Prepare for some fugly pictures, Internet! And some fugly real life, Belize!

Here I come, Belize, look alive. Or at least look tropical....

Fri, 13 Jan 2012 10:53:03 -0500

Here I come, Belize, look alive. Or at least look tropical. Somewhat like a vacation. Not like a sad scene in Annie. Come on.

(And yeah, it’s the truth. Belize it or not. I’m going to Belize! Internet friends, please don’t rob my apartment while I’m gone.)

Anyone else fist pumping for Rebecca Romijn when they see these...

Wed, 11 Jan 2012 08:17:47 -0500

Anyone else fist pumping for Rebecca Romijn when they see these commercials? I mean, is there any better “I won this break up” moment than seeing your once more famous than you ex hawking dairy product that isn’t actually the best, just possibly the best while you’re canoodling in bed with Jerry O’Connell? I really can’t think of one…and someone I used to date is currently Meat Loaf tribute singer. So, that’s saying something.

Have mercy!

A List of Sentence Starters Strangers Think Are OK to Say to Me When They Are In Fact Not At All OK Things to Say to Me

Tue, 10 Jan 2012 08:28:54 -0500

1. Since you have no base tan…

2. If you were a normal height…

3. Because your hair is so thin…

Strangers who don’t read this blog, take note.

Do you want the good news or the bad news first? What, internet?...

Mon, 09 Jan 2012 08:12:07 -0500

Do you want the good news or the bad news first? What, internet? I can’t hear you. You’re going to have to speak a little bit louder. Come on, enunciate, guys. Whatever. I’ll give you the good news.

Good news: I recently got up into a headstand at yoga for the first time ever!

Bad news: It’s probably going to be my last time ever because my neck killed afterward and I had to hold my head like this for a few hours.

And now, back to making this kind of day shattering news. I’ll keep you posted on anything that develops.

Actual Text Conversation That I Can't Screen Shot Because I Made So Many Typos That It's Too Embarrassing To Show The Internet

Thu, 05 Jan 2012 08:25:23 -0500

Me: AH! I just spilled turkey chili on my white couch!

Bud: Don’t worry. You can get it out with salt and soda water. Or baking soda.

Me: I don’t have soda water or baking soda.

Me: I just have salt and more turkey chili.

Me: Can I get a stain out with that?

Me: You there?

Team Rachel to win The Bachelor! Or at least get very far! Not...

Wed, 04 Jan 2012 08:01:36 -0500

Team Rachel to win The Bachelor! Or at least get very far!

Not really because I particularly like her, but because chicks with bangs on The Bachelor are my favsies. I love trying to discern which confessionals they did before stepping out into the swampy warm nights and which were after based only on bang frizz. Ashley’s season was bang mecca for me.

Please at least let her get to the trip around the world part of this season. And please let them go to a rainforest. Please, ABC. Or at the very least a Rainforest Cafe in Florida during the summer. Please. Chris Harrison, please?

This story’s got everything. Partying. Dancing. Pants...

Tue, 03 Jan 2012 09:10:31 -0500

This story’s got everything. Partying. Dancing. Pants peeing. EVERYTHING!

Sometimes I get really excited when people tell me they had a “Julie Day.” There are few...

Thu, 29 Dec 2011 07:52:33 -0500

Sometimes I get really excited when people tell me they had a “Julie Day.”

There are few seconds that pass where I’m like, I wonder what that means. Did they have a day of really good bangs? A day where they inspired others to be better people just by being themselves? A day when they combined three different discount offers from Gap.com to get a really great value on a sweater they’ll end up returning?

Then I’ll ask, “Really? I’m flattered! What exactly do you mean?”

They’ll say something like, “Oh, you know. I didn’t shower or eat vegetables all day. It was awesome!”

And I get less excited about being myself.

"I stopped by today to use your bathroom. I almost got it all in the toilet!"

Wed, 28 Dec 2011 07:55:00 -0500

—The kind of note you get when you give me your keys and ask me to check on your place while you’re away.

Finding myself reflecting on some of my favorite holiday memories. Hey, remember the time a kind of...

Tue, 27 Dec 2011 07:59:18 -0500

Finding myself reflecting on some of my favorite holiday memories. Hey, remember the time a kind of distant relative sent me special shampoo for thinning hair? In the card, he let me know that he could tell I was having issues and this had really helped him. I’m not sure how he could tell, we weren’t even Facebook friends and it had to be a mis-sent gift, but still, I wanted to die and take Christmas down with me.

Walk down Memory Lane over.