Julie Kraut

I’ve been trying hard to be less judgmental. It was my New Year’s resolution this year...

Thu, 02 Sep 2010 07:27:47 -0400

I’ve been trying hard to be less judgmental. It was my New Year’s resolution this year and I’ve done a really good job of sticking with it. Well, maybe just a pretty good job. You see, I’m finding it really hard not to judge people who use the word “drizzunk.” But does that even count? I mean, it’s kind of like being prejudiced against racists, right? It’s allowed.

Woke up this morning with two mosquito bites on my neck. (No...

Wed, 01 Sep 2010 09:07:35 -0400

Woke up this morning with two mosquito bites on my neck. (No idea how this happened. I slept inside for the record.) They’re perfectly placed to look like a vampire bite, right? At first I was like, “Sweet! I don’t even have to wear jeggings today and I’m so on trend.” Then I was all, “Wait, are people going to think I’m a tarty fang banger now?”

At the Emmy Awards, Mindy Kaling seemed to be saying, “You...

Tue, 31 Aug 2010 08:11:00 -0400

At the Emmy Awards, Mindy Kaling seemed to be saying, “You think this dress is ridiculous? You think my hair is ridiculous? I’ll tell you the only thing that’s ridiculous, how ridiculously awesome I look!” And I’m all, “Yeah! Me too! Kind of. Except for with me it’s more like you think it’s ridiculous that after I come home from the gym I change back into my PJs to work and haven’t straightened my hair all summer and occasionally go to the grocery store without showering beforehand? Yeah, it is. Ridiculously comfortable and time efficient!” Mindy and I are so taking steps forward for women’s self-esteem, right? We should start a campaign. Maybe I’ll call it “Flannel Pants in Public.” Maybe.

My weekend in anti-pick up lines

Mon, 30 Aug 2010 08:03:14 -0400

Here are a few great lines that are pretty much like bug spray for boys when you’re out and about and not in the mood to get groped on the dance floor. They’ve all been clinically tested by moi and proven highly effective.

“Please be careful. You’re starting to touch me.”
“I’m so drunk I’m going to accidentally on purpose forget to floss tonight and not feel guilty about it.”
“Wait, is this Biz Markie? I requested this!”
“FYI, this isn’t hair gel, it’s sweat. Wink!” (Say “wink.” It really adds a certain je ne sais quoi.)

PS-This is the most I’ve used my French minor since graduation. Phew! And here I thought I’d wasted that 100K of education. Now I see it was totally worth it. Sacre bleu!

Ugh. Amazon, will you quit sending me these request to review...

Fri, 27 Aug 2010 08:17:20 -0400

Ugh. Amazon, will you quit sending me these request to review e-mails? It’s almost daily at this point. I feel like you’re one of those guys who on dates repeatedly asks, “Is this going well? Are you having fun?” It’s like, if I’m not crying yet, then you shouldn’t have to ask. Yes, this is a good first date.

So I was on TLC.com (What? Like you don’t have it...

Thu, 26 Aug 2010 08:00:20 -0400

So I was on TLC.com (What? Like you don’t have it bookmarked too?) checking out the upcoming programming and I noticed what has to be the best episode name for a show ever. I don’t normally watch I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant, because it always ends the same (Spoiler alert: The intense stomach pains are from a baby coming out of her vagina!) but I may just have to tune in for this one. I really hope someone actually says, “Is that a baby in your pants or are you just happy to see me?”

I love when I see clearly able bodied individuals using the...

Wed, 25 Aug 2010 07:59:28 -0400

I love when I see clearly able bodied individuals using the handicapped automatic door opener. I can almost hear them saying, “Being lazy as crap is too a disability,” over the whir of the door hydraulics.

When your friends know you too well...

Tue, 24 Aug 2010 07:51:01 -0400

You get a text on Saturday night from a long distance friend that says, “You should turn on TLC.”

You write back, “For the special on balloon fetishism? ALREADY ON IT!”

You get really happy that you and your friend are so in synch and think about how much you value your friendship. Then you get less happy realizing that she just assumed you were home on a Saturday night, but shake it off quickly with the thought that at least programming of this nature made her think of you.

Toying with the idea of blunt bangs for fall. Someone talk me out of this quick or I'll never forgive you.

Mon, 23 Aug 2010 07:53:26 -0400

My ankle has been bothering me since Monday. It’s this weird pain that comes and goes. When...

Fri, 20 Aug 2010 08:04:23 -0400

My ankle has been bothering me since Monday. It’s this weird pain that comes and goes. When it’s around, I can’t really walk. Yesterday it hurt so bad that I decided to not take a three o’clock brownie break because getting to the kitchen sounded too painful. When something gets in the way of brownie eating, that’s serious! So, I’m thinking maybe it’s time to go see a doctor. I don’t really have a regular physician, so I’ve been making some calls. Here’s a rough transcript of the voicemails I’ve been leaving this morning.

“Hi. I’d like to make an appointment with the doctor sometime soon. Like maybe today but I have a facial at five, so we’ll have to work around that. Before I confirm my appointment, I’d like to know if he’s the kind of doctor who will respond to ‘My ankle hurts when I go like this’ with a joke along the lines of ‘Well, then don’t go like that!’ If so, then I’m not interested. And my insurance is really crappy because I’m a freelancer, which leads to a two part question. Does this place take crappy insurance and will you give out a lot of free samples of whatever you prescribe me? Moving on, what’s your candy bowl situation? And finally, do you have the latest issue of In Touch in your lobby? I want to learn more about the Kardashian weight wars, but I draw a line at actually purchasing In Touch. Please get back to me ASAP.”

Yesterday, I got a note from iTunes customer service and legitimately got a little weepy because I...

Thu, 19 Aug 2010 08:02:00 -0400

Yesterday, I got a note from iTunes customer service and legitimately got a little weepy because I thought it was really nice and I was so touched. I actually thought to myself, “I’ve dated boys who haven’t sent me notes this romantic and kind. Nameem at iTunes Customer Support is a real gem.” Today, I re-read the note, thinking it was going to be a great way to put some pep in my step at the start of my day. Instead I just got really confused about who I was yesterday. Really, what’s tear inducing about this?

“Sure, please do try to download the items and if you have any concerns, please reply back and we will be happy to help you. I wish you the best and hope that you continue to enjoy the iTunes Store. We appreciate your business with apple. Have a nice day.”

While I don’t normally find Grammar Check all that...

Wed, 18 Aug 2010 07:54:07 -0400

While I don’t normally find Grammar Check all that helpful, I leave it on for catches like this.

Thanks, Microsoft Word! Would my cheeks have been red if that one slipped by.

A glimpse into my inbox

Tue, 17 Aug 2010 08:31:40 -0400

Her: OMG! She defriended me for no reason.
Me: Wow.
Her: Why the heck would she do that?
Me: So annoying.
Her: I’m going to poke her and see what she does.
Me: Wait, she defriended me too! WHAT?
Her: You too? What is that girl’s problem?
Me: Seriously. I mean defriending you I understand. But, me? Come on. That’s ridiculous.
Her: …
Me: I mean, um, we’re so mad together.
Her: I’m going to defriend you.

Because I love them on TV and love them even more on Twitter,...

Mon, 16 Aug 2010 07:47:00 -0400

Because I love them on TV and love them even more on Twitter, I’ve come to the conclusion that I want both/either Andy Cohen and Chris Harrison to be my fun gay uncles. I know Chris isn’t technically gay, but I feel like he’d have lots of love advice based on experience that doesn’t quite synch up with my reality. So, it’s pretty much the same thing.

Who do I have to marry to make this happen?

Rejection is just part of being a writer. At first, it stung,...

Fri, 13 Aug 2010 08:01:52 -0400

Rejection is just part of being a writer. At first, it stung, but now I’m pretty used to. I’m kind of an expert at yelling, “Your loss, dummyhead. Onwards and upwards,” at my computer screen and really meaning it. However, this week I got a rejection that seriously hurt and I still haven’t bounced back from it.

My dad has a big birthday coming up and we’re putting together a small party for him. I was thinking that it should be an early bird special party, with dinner starting before five, to officially welcome him to the old fart club. My mom asked me to work up something for the invitation. I came up with the above graphic. ”Came up” might be too casual a phrase for the hours I spent relearning how to use speech bubbles in MSWord and determining the perfect spacing and placement. I had to call on every skill I learned in my high school computer apps class and several Google searches to crank this out. Anyway, worth it, right? Because this is stinking cute!

I sent it to my mom and this is what she said back to me, “It’s nice, but I think we’re going in another direction on this one.” REJECTION! FROM MY OWN MOTHER! And I can’t even call her a dummyhead because I’m still kind of afraid of her!

Anyway, if any of you can make use of my blood, sweat, and Comic Sans for an upcoming early bird special themed party, please go for it. Someone should benefit from my awesome first attempt at design. Someone who’s not a dummyhead.

Missed Connections--I'm a curious creep edition

Thu, 12 Aug 2010 08:22:34 -0400

Lady at the Metro station who was using a pay phone and wearing a Chanel bag, Shape Ups, tights (on a hot-n-humid DC day), and yellow eye shadow, if you’re reading this, I just wanted to say, I have never been more curious about someone’s back story. Tell it to me from the beginning, including any and all mental health diagnoses. Write back soon!

Brag attack, blog friends! Here’s a video of me telling a...

Wed, 11 Aug 2010 08:01:00 -0400

Brag attack, blog friends! Here’s a video of me telling a story at SpeakEasyDC. The theme was “Lonely Planet: Stories about road trips, travel, and being away from home.” Hope you enjoy.

(Before viewing, please note this was filmed on that super hot, humid, and rainy day I got electrocuted. My hair actually looks amazing considering the factors.)

On Tuesdays, I work at a think tank on this editing/writing project. It’s pretty conservative...

Tue, 10 Aug 2010 07:44:53 -0400

On Tuesdays, I work at a think tank on this editing/writing project. It’s pretty conservative and buttoned up over there and after working for myself at home for so long, I feel like I have to put effort into being on my best behavior when I’m in the office. I’m normally pretty great until just before I leave in the evening. As I’m walking out the door, I’ll hear myself say, “See you next Tuesday!” Then I’ll get kind of embarrassed and say, “Oh, what? I didn’t mean that. Just see you next week. On Tuesday. I didn’t even know that the first sentence was kind of a bad word. Um, bye. Ok?”

Today’s goal is to get through the entire day without any dirty language references and leave with a tiny bit of grace. I’m thinking of wearing a collared shirt, which should help. I’ll keep you posted.

Does anyone else find it really sad when they see someone post on someone else’s Facebook...

Mon, 09 Aug 2010 08:27:37 -0400

Does anyone else find it really sad when they see someone post on someone else’s Facebook wall, “Did you get my e-mail? Write back!” I always imagine the e-mail says something like, “Hey. It was my birthday yesterday but because no one remembered and I got hit by that taxi cab, I’m throwing myself a make-up birthday dinner next week. Tell me ASAP if you can come so I’ll know whether I should make reservations for a party of one or two.”

"So, Monday to Wednesday morning with no communication after a second date and then an e-mail? I think that's actually acceptable. I just wish that he mentioned hanging out again instead of all those facts about lupus. But, romance is in the inbox of the e-mailer, I guess."

Fri, 06 Aug 2010 07:39:00 -0400

—Quote from an e-mail I sent a friend in response to a post-date panic message. With dating insights this genius, I don’t understand why I don’t have my own show already. Patti Stanger, watch out.